[ The Guide flickered on to show a rather panic expression of a teenager - red eyes wide, black and purple hair sticking out every which way. He appears to be hiding behind a desk with piles of papers every where and - yes folks - the desk is surrounded by the rather grayish legs of several Vogons. Female Vogons, to be precise. ]
[ The teen wiggles in further as the Vogons stop shuffling around and one could be clearly heard to say 'Did you hear that?' Date looks like he is going to faint in any moment. ]
They spoke of taxes being death instead of it being the backs of walruses. Flying turtles bearing the walruses like forbidden fruit that trap bees. . .
[ Suddenly there is a close up of a Vogon's face - yes it has red lipstick and greasy blond hair - who attempts to smile and then reaches forward. Date shoves his papers into the Vogon's face, scrambles out and runs for it. ]
[ Yes, he is asking for help here. Maybe he needs to use some real words? ]
[the feed turns on with an audible BANG, the video switching on to a flurry of papers and documents, raining down upon the scene and obscuring the figure standing a few feet away. you can't see him clearly, not yet, but it's not hard to hear him-- he's talking pretty loudly, after all.]
This must be a genjutsu of some kind...! Curse the enemy for playing such underhanded games! I'm the Noble Green Beast of Konoha, and I refuse to be bested by such a cheap trick of the mind...!
[another audible bang of a fist crashing against a desk, and the papers fall to the ground to reveal a very... unique-looking Shinobi wearing green spandex and orange legwarmers. hello Thor, meet Maito Gai.
he faces the Guide (revealing an incredible pair of supremely bushy brows and a rather fabulous bowlcut) and then closes his eyes tightly, holding his hands in standard 'DISPEL GENJUTSU' position.]
[there is now silence as Gai waits for the genjutsu to melt away. it...doesn't...]
[another rousing moment of silence, and Gai cracks one eye open in a disappointing show of THIS DID NOT WORK.]
[and there is clear surprise on his face before the feed shuts off. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE, GAI DOES NOT UNDERSTAND...]
[Good morning Thor-ians
don't tell the Mass Effect crew I said that, your video feed for the day now includes an image of an...interestingly dressed individual, dangling upside down in front of the camera. He looks new, but doesn't really sound as concerned as he probably should about the whole "this spaceship has just kidnapped you, and we blew up your planet oops sorry" thing.]
Okay, twenty questions time: What's the deal with the Vogons, why do they love paperwork so much, and how tall of an ugly tree are we dealing with here?
[Spidey's ingratiating himself to the local populace, as always. Here's hoping they aren't a particularly hostile alien race, and don't decide to take potshots at the Webhead while he's dangling from a walkway somewhere in what looks to be the huge mall at the bottom of
flipper no. 1 the restaurant & clubbing district.]
Oh, and uh, on a scale of one to ten?
About how worried should I be about the giant, hungry void trying to kill us all? Normally I'd give it about a 9.8, but considering I just got kidnapped by a giant spaceship, I'm gonna go ahead and assume something about this place means we aren't totally screwed.
R-right. This is Usopp, representative of, uh... [His eyes flit down to check a piece of paper that he's holding.] Conspiracies 'R Us, bringing you today's conspiracies about the black hole. [Those who choose to look nearer to the bottom of the screen can see that Usopp is currently scrutinizing a book labeled: Black Holes: What Are They, Where Do They Come From And Are They Really Beings Made Of Pure Malevolence?. The camera swings over to the window.] See? That thing. The big hole right there, which is... sucking in everything that gets in its path, apparently.
[The camera swings back to Usopp.] Okay, conspiracies, conspiracies... Conspiracy number one! The black hole is actually a home for a strange, new alien species with five legs and three heads, and each head has three forked tongues, and they have made it their personal mission to destroy all that come in their path with their superior technology! The black hole is actually of their making using, uh, their technology that has the ability to create black holes like the one they live in everywhere else so that anyone who runs into their path won't bother them. And when they do suck other people in, they eat them.
Conspiracy number two! The black hole is not actually a black hole. Instead it is the toothless mouth of a giant monster that blends in perfectly with the rest of the galaxy and lies in wait for unsuspecting ships like ours to come close enough to it so that it can inhale - [He demonstrates] - and suck them right in to digest in its stomach acids, capable of dissolving even the strongest metals!
Conspiracy number... eh. [He leans a bit closer to the camera, dropping the theatrical voice.] This is stupid. What's the point in thinking up conspiracies about something like this? I don't think I can think of anything scarier than a huge gaping hole in the fabric of the universe itself threatening to suck us into complete nothingness. I think. [He waves the book at the screen and says, flatly,] Conspiracy one, we are all probably going to die. Conspiracy two, we are all probably going to die. Conspiracy three, we are all probably going to die. There.
[The video flickers on to reveal a pair of bright blue eyes framed with blonde curls peering into the camera at a distance of much too close before leaning back to reveal a young boy who looks like he just discovered christmas.]
Wicked. It's like 'm on the telly. Can people really see me an' everythin'?
[He pauses for a moment to wonder about this before plowing on under the assumption that people can see and hear him with this gizmo. And why not? He's in space.]
I don't reckon I understand too much about what them ugly ol' aliens said, even after they shoved that fish in my ear.
I mean obviously earth isn't gone, that ain't how it works. It prob'ly just got misplaced an' they haven't just found it yet. That's how it goes in the stories, so I'm sure it'll be found eventually.
[He has the unwavering conviction in this, not even considering for a moment that his planet is gone.]
Pepper an' Brian an' Wensleydale'll probably be mad at me though, leavin' them out of somethin' like this. Innit that right Dog?
[He looks down and picks up a small mutt dog who has one ear turned inside out. This mutt is clearly a brilliantly smart dog and Adam is very proud of him]
Oh an' this's Dog. He's my dog. And I'm Adam, Adam Young. And this's a space ship. That is so brilliant, even if th' aliens 'r ugly an' shoved a fish in my ear.
[The communicator screen now shows a rock, along with some text. Apparently, the rock is resting on a towel, a flopping Babelfish next to it.]
wshgbedre iesd dsxlkoiasne
[The rock suddenly disappears from the screen, and there are noises like various keys being hit. After a while, more text appears. The rock also reappears in front of the vidcam.]
where is sloane
[That's better. If rocks had faces, this rock would be showing a smug face right now. So smug.]
[Suddenly, it disappears again, and the sound of more key-smashing is heard.]
this is teddy
[Anyone nearby will see the rock teleporting rapidly over the keys, tapping them rapidly as it goes.]
[See Eiri. Well, what you can see of him, anyway. See, Eiri's holding the guide in his arms along with the rest of the items he was given upon his arrival, unaware that the guide is on. So you're getting a spectacular view of his chin, mostly, and glimpses of a frown here and there when he moves his head just right as he walks. Mumbling to himself:]
This can't be happening. It was just a dream, right? Just a really fucked up dream. ...but it felt so real. It feels real. Hell, am I asleep now? I did just switch prescriptions... Shit, I remember this damn hallway! [The view shifts to his chest as he pats his pockets for something, mumbling yet another curse when he doesn't find it. Then there's sounds of rustling paper, then silence as he looks it over... Another mumbled curse, and another, and another...]
Where did you go...
[ooc: After an almost year-long absence, Eiri is baaack! And he kind of remembers this place and the people he met last time! So. Abuse that if you want.]
No. No. This can't-- We were supposed to protect Cocoon!
[ The voice is distraught, and the video isn't picking up much but a ceiling, moving back and forth, back and forth, as heavy footsteps echo around the room. ]
[ Something gets punched, and from the small dent in the wall that the guide picks up, that seems to be what got hit.
The pacing stops, and the guide gets lifted, finally showing Snow's face as he stares directly into it. ]
If there's anyone here from Cocoon-- Tell me you're safe. You're all safe, right? Lightning, Hope-- Serah! What if she--
[ He lifts a hand to rub at his face, and there's a mark on the back of his arm; white, screwed up, something about it doesn't look right. ]
Man, I really screwed up this time. Light's gonna have my head.
[ The guide flickers on as he starts to play with it. This was an interesting piece of machinery. The video was very shaky and it couldn't focus on anything, not while it was being shaken by the owner of it... He finally stopped and stared into the screen, it was sort of up close.]
Hello? Is this right? I still don't see how this does anything, does it send letters after I'm done? Maybe I should take it apart and see... Well anyway! My name's Teo! This place is pretty crazy huh, probably as crazy as a kid talking into a box.. So is it true what they're saying? This place is in space? Like seriously way up there in space?... That is ... THAT IS AWESOME! HOW DID WE GET INTO SPACE? WHAT ELSE IS--
[The boy was cut off by two deep sounding aliens. One was gurgling while the other could be understood. ]
Hey kid, nice chair.
Oh um hi there! You're one of the locals right?
Yeah, I am kid... PSSH Shut up Georgy I'm gettin' there.
Can I help you with something?
You can help by gettin' out of that nice chair of yours.
[ Teo is getting shaken and then is finally pushed out of his chair as the two voices disappear into the distance. ]
..... I'm sure it'll come back.
[Yamazaki has the most panicked expression on his face. He doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry... or both?!]
[He knew the Shinsengumi didn’t much care for him, even threatening to leave him behind to die sometimes, but he was just watching them at his funeral-that-wasn’t-really-his-funeral! This is so messed up! How could Sorachi use pages from the manga to wipe his ass!? How was he going to find out what happens next?! He needed to know if this funeral really was as terrible as it seems so far...
No, Yamazaki, calm down! Don’t get upset just because you work with a bunch of jerks who don’t appreciate you!]
I can do this!
[He speaks quietly, then looks up at the guide and gets more serious... seriously aggravated.]
I’M NOT DEAD! I’M NOT DEAD!
I can’t believe you guys! Do you really hate me that much that you don’t even care if I die?!
[So much for staying calm, but it really did piss him off!]
Do you even care that I’m not dead?! I’m putting my foot down! If it wasn’t for me, it could have been someone else! You should be thanking me for protecting someone else’s life!
[He stops suddenly, as a thought comes to him.]
I- I guess I shouldn’t get upset when it’s not anyone’s fault that... what happened to the manga... happened. Why did he use it for... for his ass?!
[A voice can be heard nearby, shouting and telling Yamazaki to SHUT UP!!!! and get out of the hallway.]
A- ah! I’m sorry for disturbi--
[Before he could finish, he threw his guide as if it would somehow turn into a useful weapon and protect from what was about to come. A CRASH is heard, along with Yamazaki screaming.]
AAHH! Kondo-san, Hijikata-san, send help!