[feed opens to a beady, yellow eye staring right into the camera. right. at. you. the eye moves away a little after a while to reveal a white snake, apparently hovering in front of the screen. in the background, if you look carefully, is a shock of red hair and the bold black lines of obnoxious tattoos...]
Ssssso. Been asssssleep for quite a while now, and I wake up t'find everythin' exactly the ssssame. Dumb lazy sssscumbag's been ssssittin' on his asssss a little too happily. Sssseems only fair t'give him a little of what'ssss been a long time comin' fer when he wakessss up, right?
[yes. the snake is talking. pretty promptly after this, there's another voice, deeper, speech more clipped and precise, polite]
What are you doing?
Givin' the masssster a little trouble. Nothin' he can't handle--
[that grating, hissing voice from the snake is quickly smothered as a... large furry foot? slams down on its neck, the snake temporarily disappearing from the feed only to be replaced with... a very large white baboon.]
Please excuse us. We are simply a particularly slippery snake and a chittering ape passing humbly through. Do not pay us any mi--
Abarai Renji! Heard of him? We know aaaaaall there is to know about the guy. Wanna hear ssssomething sssscandalous? Look no further. Got a quesssstion ya want a decent ansssswer to? We're your guy. Don't hessssitate t'ask.
[there's a pause, one waiting, one considering... and then the ape pipes up again]
... Of course, an answer is always best greeted with an answer. We should very much like to know what Abarai has been up to whilst we've been sleeping. Not that everything has gone unnoticed, but it can never hurt to add a few detailed stories to a broad tale.
[again the snake sllllides into view. if it were possible for a snake to move smugly, that would be the way it's moving as it dances through the air, drifting backwards into the feed until it's hovering over Renji's head for a second. tongue flicks out, along with a little 'heh', and then it's darting back up close to the screen again, baboon watching its every move through calm yellow eyes]
'Nother question! Where's a ssssnake gotta go to get a decent drink around here? ... Better question! Where'ssss an ape gotta go to get a decent f--
[FOOT SLAMS DOWN snake disappears, squawks, and is silent]
[ooc: replies will come from Zabimaru for a while! the snake and the ape. DISCLAIMER: any answers given might not be wholly honest or complete ljhdfgkj. Renji will wake up later!]