no goddamn stray. (nostray) wrote in gargleblasted,
no goddamn stray.
nostray
gargleblasted

VIDEO; 2. oo8 ☇ hung like you're gonna be when i get my hands on you

[GUYS LJ HATES ME AND WON'T CUT PROPERLY SO PLEASE NOTE THIS POST IS CUT BECAUSE IT'S NSFW]

[see renji.]

[see renji looking considerably disgruntled.]

[he opens his mouth to speak--]

--Are you lonely? Do you watch couples holding hands in public with an envious gaze? Is your heart, perhaps all seven of them, ready to connect with another soul? I know what you need. You, my male compadre, need confidence. A reason to smile. Something to wake to in the morning. Something to wake up for in the morning.

[... and closes it again. squinting.]

--You need...

[SQUINTING...]


A REALLY MASSIVE DICK!! BUY NOW!!!!!!


GOD FUCKIN' DAMMIT SHUT TH'FUCK UP NOBODY FUCKIN' ASKED YA.

[THUMPING ON THE GUIDE PRESSING EVERY BUTTON IMAGINEABLE FACE CRAZED LIKE A MADMAN]

--Would you like a fourteen inch penis? Aliens from the platinum nebula can even grow to three feet with our new serum!


Where's the fuckin' mute button?!
--So your dick's just for you, and you deserve the best. Order now for a mind-blowing penis size! This time, experience self impregnation with a smile!!!

--FUCK. FUCKIN' MUTE YA PIECE O' SHIT.

[THUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPSMASHSMASHSMASHSMASH]

-- SO YOUR DICK'S JUST NOT FOR YOU. WERE YOU GIVEN THE WRONG SIZE AT BIRTH? DID IT COME WITH A BARCODE THAT GOT TOO RUBBED OFF DURING YOUR TEENAGE YEARS TO BE RETURNED? WE'LL TAKE YOUR OLD DICK AND GIVE YOU A BRAND SPANKIN' NEW ONE! AND I MEAN IT ABOUT THE SPANKIN' PART! For just three measily payments of 6999.69


[...oh! it looks like he's found mute. everything's blissfully quiet, and Renji takes a few seconds just to glare down his guide (don't you fucking dare start messing again i will break you into pieces) before he sets it on the table, composes himself, and readies himself for speaking attempt number two]

[his face lights up. literally lights up. there seems to be a projected image playing in the air in front of him, a little holograph...]

[there, in front of his nose, a little man sits on a mountain of little (proportionally pretty big!!!) HOLOGRAPHIC DICKS, frolicking merrily - tossing them into the air and letting them rain down on his face, falling back into them and making dickangels like he's lying in a snowy meadow]

RENT-A-COCK.

FOR THOSE TIMES WHEN ONE DICK JUST ISN'T ENOUGH.

(CALL NOW AND RENT THREE FOR THE PRICE OF TWO!!)

[there is an anguished scream, another THUMP]

[feed: end]
Tags: abarai renji
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  • Thirteenth Use [Accidental Video]

    [The image was a bit off kilter, likely having been discarded in the process of Trowa's current mission to avoid it being a casualty. It was still…

  • Twelth Use [Accidental Video]

    [The Guide turned on to show Trowa staring at a rather innocent looking package. Whether he was aware his Guide had turned on or not was not…

  • Eleventh Use [Accidental Video]

    [The Guide came on at first only showing a figure in an odd-looking space suit with a large helmet obscuring whoever it was. The figure was seated,…