[see renji looking considerably disgruntled.]
[he opens his mouth to speak--]
--Are you lonely? Do you watch couples holding hands in public with an envious gaze? Is your heart, perhaps all seven of them, ready to connect with another soul? I know what you need. You, my male compadre, need confidence. A reason to smile. Something to wake to in the morning. Something to wake up for in the morning.
[... and closes it again. squinting.]
A !! BUY NOW!!!!!!
GOD FUCKIN' DAMMIT SHUT TH'FUCK UP NOBODY FUCKIN' ASKED YA.
[THUMPING ON THE GUIDE PRESSING EVERY BUTTON IMAGINEABLE FACE CRAZED LIKE A MADMAN]
--Would you like a fourteen inch penis? Aliens from the platinum nebula can even grow to three feet with our new serum!
Where's the fuckin' mute button?!
--So your dick's just for you, and you deserve the best. Order now for a mind-blowing penis size! This time, experience self impregnation with a smile!!!
--FUCK. FUCKIN' MUTE YA PIECE O' SHIT.
-- SO YOUR DICK'S JUST NOT FOR YOU. WERE YOU GIVEN THE WRONG SIZE AT BIRTH? DID IT COME WITH A BARCODE THAT GOT TOO RUBBED OFF DURING YOUR TEENAGE YEARS TO BE RETURNED? WE'LL TAKE YOUR OLD DICK AND GIVE YOU A BRAND SPANKIN' NEW ONE! AND I MEAN IT ABOUT THE SPANKIN' PART! For just three measily payments of 6999.69
[...oh! it looks like he's found mute. everything's blissfully quiet, and Renji takes a few seconds just to glare down his guide (don't you fucking dare start messing again i will break you into pieces) before he sets it on the table, composes himself, and readies himself for speaking attempt number two]
[his face lights up. literally lights up. there seems to be a projected image playing in the air in front of him, a little holograph...]
[there, in front of his nose, a little man sits on a mountain of little (proportionally pretty big!!!) , frolicking merrily - tossing them into the air and letting them rain down on his face, falling back into them and making dickangels like he's lying in a snowy meadow]
FOR THOSE TIMES WHEN ONE DICK JUST ISN'T ENOUGH.
(CALL NOW AND RENT THREE FOR THE PRICE OF TWO!!)
[there is an anguished scream, another THUMP]